The Mother Brown Guide To Cleaning

It’s time for me to share another one of my incredibly funny and factually incorrect “Knees Up Mother Brown Guides”. You’ve had my Guide to Baby Clothes and my Guide to life with a Baby and Toddler and now I give you my Guide to Cleaning :)

Step 1: Assess the need for cleaning! Cleaning costs money and is not good for the environment. All those chemicals used and electricity is not good! I’m also a strong believer in the theory that germs are good for you and if you live in too sterile an environment it ruins your immune system. Do you REALLY need to clean?? If yes then proceed to step 2, if no then pour yourself a large G&T and put your feet up!

Cleaning Essentials

Step 2: So the house needs cleaning? Right well you now have two options available. A) Considering entering for “How Clean Is Your House”. Yes you will be hugely embarrassed and the laughing stock of your neighbourhood for years to come but at least somebody else will do all the work for you! B) If you don’t fancy being a TV star then I’m afraid you’ll have to do it yourself and proceed to step 3.

Step 3: Remove all children from the house. It’s a well known fact that with children under your feet, cleaning takes three times as long so for your own sanity get them out of the house. How you do this is of course up to you. Arranging a playdate works well, send the little darlings round to trash someone else’s house whilst you clean yours ;)

Step 4: If a machine can do the job for you then let it. If it can go in the dishwasher or washing machine then use them. No point breaking your back cleaning if there is an easy solution. Grill pans, rings from the hob, dish rack and pretty much anything not nailed down goes in our dishwasher and comes out sparkling.

Step 5: Start high, there is no point cleaning the floors before anything else. Always start at the ceiling level and work your way down. A feather duster is a great investment for removing cobwebs and dust.

Step 6: Have a quick dust and polish everywhere. To be honest nobody can really tell if you’ve polished but a quick spray of polish in the air gives the right impression. If like we do you have hardwood floors, be careful of spraying polish too liberally as it has the effect of turning your floor into an icerink.

Step 7: Kitchen and Bathrooms – liberal amounts of spray cleaner, rinsed and wiped clean will do the job. Chuck half a bottle of bleach down the toilets, it’s not very environmentally friendly but it looks nice and clean afterwards. The smell of bleach in the air also shows you have been cleaning! If you have pets or toddlers then remember to close the toilet lid once you’ve poured bleach in there to prevent them trying to drink it.

Step 8: Hoovering – I have a simple rule when it comes to hoovering, if it’s on the floor and it fits up the nozzle of the cleaner then that’s where it belongs! Take no prisoners!

Step 9: Mopping – I can’t live without my steam mop, it’s quick, easy and takes no effort. I find it essential for removing dried in food off the kitchen floor. It’s probably my favourite cleaning accessory, if you don’t know what I mean then it’s something like this one
>> Vax S2 Hard Floor Master Upright Steam Stick

Step 10: If you’ve done all the above then your house is now clean. At some point you should recover your children from wherever you sent them but make the most of the peace and have a nice G&T with your feet up before you do :)


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7 thoughts on “The Mother Brown Guide To Cleaning”

  1. Excellent guide and I still want a steam mop – knowing hubby it’ll probably a Valentines present!! (I’m not joking lol)

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